My struggle with social anxiety

I struggled with a serious anxiety condition for over over 25 years (and I'm only 36!). As far back as mid grade school, I can remember struggling with an intense fear of social situations, and especially crowds. More recently, meetings at work were very tough for me (I'm a computer software engineer). I walked around as if there was a wall of anxiety surrounding me all the time. To say the least, it was quite detrimental to my forming relationships, which I realize only now, is what life is all about!!!

I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder (ok, self-diagnosed) about 8 years ago. I just kept it all in until that time. This was just before I married my wife. My wife was quite out-going, which is part of why I was drawn to her. But she did also have an aggressive/abrasive side (well, it appeared that way at the time - only because my anxiety made me so over-sensitive to this), which was very hard for someone like me (who hates confrontations) to deal with. She often made me feel very uncomfortable, and created some very embarrassing scenes for me. I was at my wits end with the anxiety, so I started taking the medications - you name it, I've been on it, over the last 8 years or so. Some of them definitely seemed to work - they did take the edge off of the anxiety, but the side effects were pretty substantial: next-to-no libido, weight gain, feeling like I was in a fog, and many others. I realize only now that what really makes these work is the fact that they numb your emotions quite substantially - but for many (including me at the time) this was the lesser of two evils. I'd rather feel numb than feel the anxiety. So I tried many medications, in search of the one with the least side effects - but again, they all numbed.

Something in me knew that there must be a better way, so I kept searching (googling). I came across various quick-fix remedies for anxiety-related disorders, and tried many. Some helped slightly, but usually I just ended up disappointed. Then I learned about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I first ordered a program by a Dr. Richards (out of Arizona I believe) - it was called Overcoming Social Anxiety. It was like a 20-tape program. It had many interesting ideas, some of which helped marginally. But as much as I listened, and worked through the lessons, it was still not nearly enough.

During this time (usually when I decided to come off of a medication just to not deal with the numbness for a while), I left my wife several times. I just packed up my stuff, and went and moved in with my parents. I was convinced at those times that her strong personality was the real reason for my anxiety (even though I obviously had issues before I met her - duh). About two years ago, I left for what I thought was for good, and ultimately filed for a divorce. I thought for sure I just had to get her out of my life! But shortly after all of the divorce-related stuff began, I came across another CBT program - Attacking Anxiety and Depression by Lucinda Bassett. I went through it for the first time about a year and a half ago. I started to see the light. But I think because of all of the divorce stuff, I doubted myself, and the program, and quickly regressed back. I was so close!! So about 6 months ago, I picked up the program again, and started listening to the cd's again. Then I had my epiphany. Let's just say this program has saved my life!!! I still can't even believe how different I feel. It's so wierd for me, because, like I said, I was walking around in a cloud of anxiety for 25 years! But I love the new me, and now I see what life is really all about.

I decided to put the divorce on hold, and agreed to go back to marriage counseling with my wife to see if we could still work things out. I believe there is much hope here. She is a bigger person than I for even considering having me back!

Oh, by the way, I am now off of all medications!!! For the first time in my life, I feel like I can see. I also feel like I have a new-found purpose on this earth. I want to help people that are struggling with this sort of thing. Lucinda's program is the answer! The medications are not! Noone should have to suffer for so long, like I did. The solution is now available to us all. I intend to help Lucinda get this message out to the masses!! For now, I'd just like to get it out to the ones I love, and maybe they can help me get it out to the masses... :-)