Soul Found

Total Hypocracy???

2009-12-06T19:10:00.001-08:00

So, back when I originally started this blog, I bashed the medications pretty bad - I called them evil, and said that they had to stop. Well, let's just say that was a bit over the top. As I said in my previous post, I fell off the wagon for a little while there, and I went into a pretty sharp decline. I ended up having to use the medications again, and I realize now that that is ok! Sometimes things just get so bad that we need something to "help us through" until we can find our way to a better place. Thank God for the medications! The only time that medications can become a problem is when they are used by themselves, and not in conjunction with counseling or something else to really address what the underlying problem is. For years, all I did was medicate the symptoms, but never dealt with the underlying issues. This is where I believe medications can be abused.

Who knows - I may just need the medications again some day, and that is ok. I know now that the main thing is to also talk things through with someone knowledgeable (like a counselor).

I'm Back!!

2009-12-05T07:32:00.000-08:00

So after a little over a year, I'm finally starting to find my way again. But this last year stretch was a rough one!!! I'm pretty sure it was just a lot of anger that had taken over. I've held onto a lot of anger, and directed it at Kristen, for what I believe are some totally bull shit child support laws (sorry, but that's just the way I feel). It is no wonder there are so many bitter, divorced dads out there, who I believe are only put in that situation because of a one-size-fits-all law that was brought upon us by the existence of some dead-beat Dads. I am not a dead-beat Dad. I want to have my son Ethan in my life as much as I possibly can. But the custody and legal system is nothing but a big game that is geared toward Moms coming out on top. That's just the way it is - Dads get screwed. I do want our son to have what he needs, but I believe that what the law entitles Kristen to goes way beyond what he really needs.

This has all proven to be a very tricky path for me to navigate. I know the anger isn't healthy. I also know that my own greed (and wanting to have things that I can't because of the way the law is) is not the healthy path either. I don't need a lot, but then again, neither does Kristen. But the law does give her all of the control here. I guess I don't like her having that either. In our marriage, she was always in control. But that was partly my fault, as I was just too weak at the time to share in that. And now, she is again in control, thanks to the way the law is. But it is the law, and I just need to accept that.

There is really not a whole lot that I need. What I need is love, peace, and joy. :) And you can't buy those. Life's most precious gifts (moments) are totally free! I will always have those. :) So today, I am choosing to let go of the greed, and the desire to have possessions that I really don't need. I am choosing a healthier path that will afford me a much more peaceful mind. God, please give me the strength to stay on this more peaceful path, and not fall back into that forest of darkness.

Heading for a divorce afterall

2008-09-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

So after a bunch of counseling, and also going through mediation to come up with a separation agreement, it looks like we finally have a clear path that we are going to take. We have mutually decided that getting a divorce will be the best thing for everyone. I think we both really wanted it to work for Ethan's sake, but we both realized that that alone was not enough. We think this will get us all to a better place. We'll both still be great parents, and I know Ethan will still thrive despite mommy and daddy's differences. :-)

Catch-22

2008-06-04T11:15:00.000-07:00

I know that I have ridden some of you pretty hard, when I was convinced that certain people needed the program, and those people were still reluctant to make the leap. The fact is, we each need to decide for ourselves when the time is right for us, and should not be force-fed something like this. My bad on this.

Let me explain a little of the reasoning behind why I did this. You see, for the "old" me, I was so negative and skeptical of any program like this, that I would have totally blown it off as a bunch of hooey. My fear is that there are certain others out there that will encounter a similar road-block, so I was just trying to force them over this hump. But again, not my place...

Having said this, please get the program. ;-)

Kristen apology #2

2008-06-04T11:11:00.001-07:00

In an effort to "keep it real", I realized that I was still way too harsh, and down-right inaccurate in the way I portrayed Kristen - I was speaking from the "old" me, which again, was over-sensitive to her strong personality. The new me realizes that my anxiety was more of a problem for me, which only fueled her anger. It's interesting how counter-intuitive this can be...

The "old" me

2008-06-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

If you're at all similar to the "old" me, then you really need this program. Here are some of the things the old me said:

I'm ok, I can handle this myself - if not, that's what meds are for!
Program? Com'on! I have better things to waste my money on. The person who developed it isn't even a doctor anyway, so what the hell could they possibly know.
Just because it worked for those other people, doesn't mean it will work for me.
I'm sure those other people just weren't as bad as me.
I'm sure those other people had something different than I do - it won't work for me.

Note the negative connotation in every single one of these. This is what we do - we doubt. Sound at all familiar? If so, please order the program. There is now a 30-day risk-free guarantee (which was not there when I ordered it, and honestly is not needed). What do you have to lose? I know I sound like I'm pushing this program like it's going to solve world peace.. hmmm.. ;-) But remember, there is nothing in this for me. I want nothing from this! Well, other than to help people. ;-) There is so much more to life, when you can learn to stop living behind the mask.

Intro to Lucinda's program on YouTube

2008-06-02T03:07:00.000-07:00

Gotta love the internet - found this on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usEJWaJHyFU&feature=related

My apologies to Kristen

2008-06-02T02:14:00.000-07:00

In my attempt to convey a truly sincere story of myself, I made the mistake of airing some dirty laundry regarding my wife, Kristen. It was not my place to do that, and have since edited the post where I did that (I got rid of the gory details at least, which I hope is good enough). I guess I was too caught up in the moment, and just trying not to have any secrets about anything - again, in an effort to thwart the skepticism.

I'm sorry Kristen!

John

Negativity & Skepticism

2008-06-02T01:57:00.000-07:00

So the responses are rolling in on this, and not to my surprise, there are skeptics out there. Please let me assure you of the following right now:

I have not completely lost it
I have not joined a cult
I am not some born-again Christian (though I do have to admit, it has helped me find my faith again - but religion is not what this is about)

Many people are in total shock (the most common response yet :-)) that I would air my dirty laundry like this, but I saw this as necessary - to share my story and be totally sincere about what I struggled with, as it might strike a chord with some of you, and maybe help get you over the hump of skepticism.

I think my biggest concern right now is that my passion for this is coming across as cultish talk. I'd like to think that it's really just a matter of the (written) form of communication that I've chosen to deliver this. I may be coming across to strong in my passion for this, and scaring people away. Again, those who are eternally skeptical will probably never get it no matter what I say. These are the ones that need this program the most.

I really believe that this program could help change the world (again, very grandiose, but it's just how I feel - sorry!), so I'm going to do whatever I can to try to perpetuate something good in this world, and fight the good fight.

Good luck to you and your's.

John

Lucinda Bassett

2008-06-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

So who is this woman? Well, like me, she is someone who struggled with anxiety (specifically, agoraphobia) for over 20 years, until she hooked up with Dr. Fisher, and they formed the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety. I truly believe that God put her on this Earth to help turn the tides on all of the evil that is currently taking over our world! I know this probably sounds pretty grandiose/over-the-top/whatever, but I really believe that Lucinda holds the key for so many lost souls in our world. There are so many negative forces surrounding us today - I believe that a lot of these were only perpetuated by people that were themselves, lost. I really don't believe that there is anyone on this Earth today that is intentionally evil - they certainly may appear that way - but really they are just truly lost.

So do yourself, not to mention all the loved ones in your life!, a favor, and check out Lucinda's program:

http://www.stresscenter.com

Again, I am in no way affiliated with Lucinda, or her program. At least not yet. ;-)

The pills must stop!!!

2008-05-31T19:29:00.000-07:00

Many people are lost, like I was, trapped in a maze of anxiety/depression/anger - whatever negative emotion you can think of - from here on, I will refer to this as the "mask". The fact is, all of these boil down to the same underlying issue - one's inability to deal with the stressors in life. Many who face this end up consulting their doctor, and the doctors push the pills! Ugh! I truly believe now that these things are evil! So why are they prescribed so heavily? Well, it's simple - the companies that manufacture these pills are billion-dollar companies who are obviously doing quite well by promoting these things, especially to all of the doctors. Also, the doctors just don't have enough time to deal with these things properly. Do the drugs help? Yes, in many cases they do. But they are only band-aids that will mask the real, underlying problem(s), and the side effects can be quite substantial. Granted, I am no doctor, and again, my issue was more on the anxiety side than depression - though they often go hand-in-hand (which they did for me). I do know that the real big stressors in life (like a death, or a divorce, or even a marriage!) can overwhelm even the strongest of us, which, if not dealt with properly, will lead to our mask. So for some (with only depression), the pills may be enough to get them over the hump and back on their feet again. I guess my real point is that there is an alternative to the pills. The fact is that those of us who are struggling with our mask, really just don't have good stress coping skills, so the stress has escalated to our mask. This is what Lucinda will teach you in her program - how to cope with stress!

Note: I am in no way affiliated with Lucinda Bassett or her Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety. But honestly, I would love to be! I really think her program can save the world - there are a lot of lost souls out there that just need to be shown the way. I want to help them do that!!

My struggle with social anxiety

2008-05-31T18:39:00.000-07:00

I struggled with a serious anxiety condition for over over 25 years (and I'm only 36!). As far back as mid grade school, I can remember struggling with an intense fear of social situations, and especially crowds. More recently, meetings at work were very tough for me (I'm a computer software engineer). I walked around as if there was a wall of anxiety surrounding me all the time. To say the least, it was quite detrimental to my forming relationships, which I realize only now, is what life is all about!!!

I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder (ok, self-diagnosed) about 8 years ago. I just kept it all in until that time. This was just before I married my wife. My wife was quite out-going, which is part of why I was drawn to her. But she did also have an aggressive/abrasive side (well, it appeared that way at the time - only because my anxiety made me so over-sensitive to this), which was very hard for someone like me (who hates confrontations) to deal with. She often made me feel very uncomfortable, and created some very embarrassing scenes for me. I was at my wits end with the anxiety, so I started taking the medications - you name it, I've been on it, over the last 8 years or so. Some of them definitely seemed to work - they did take the edge off of the anxiety, but the side effects were pretty substantial: next-to-no libido, weight gain, feeling like I was in a fog, and many others. I realize only now that what really makes these work is the fact that they numb your emotions quite substantially - but for many (including me at the time) this was the lesser of two evils. I'd rather feel numb than feel the anxiety. So I tried many medications, in search of the one with the least side effects - but again, they all numbed.

Something in me knew that there must be a better way, so I kept searching (googling). I came across various quick-fix remedies for anxiety-related disorders, and tried many. Some helped slightly, but usually I just ended up disappointed. Then I learned about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I first ordered a program by a Dr. Richards (out of Arizona I believe) - it was called Overcoming Social Anxiety. It was like a 20-tape program. It had many interesting ideas, some of which helped marginally. But as much as I listened, and worked through the lessons, it was still not nearly enough.

During this time (usually when I decided to come off of a medication just to not deal with the numbness for a while), I left my wife several times. I just packed up my stuff, and went and moved in with my parents. I was convinced at those times that her strong personality was the real reason for my anxiety (even though I obviously had issues before I met her - duh). About two years ago, I left for what I thought was for good, and ultimately filed for a divorce. I thought for sure I just had to get her out of my life! But shortly after all of the divorce-related stuff began, I came across another CBT program - Attacking Anxiety and Depression by Lucinda Bassett. I went through it for the first time about a year and a half ago. I started to see the light. But I think because of all of the divorce stuff, I doubted myself, and the program, and quickly regressed back. I was so close!! So about 6 months ago, I picked up the program again, and started listening to the cd's again. Then I had my epiphany. Let's just say this program has saved my life!!! I still can't even believe how different I feel. It's so wierd for me, because, like I said, I was walking around in a cloud of anxiety for 25 years! But I love the new me, and now I see what life is really all about.

I decided to put the divorce on hold, and agreed to go back to marriage counseling with my wife to see if we could still work things out. I believe there is much hope here. She is a bigger person than I for even considering having me back!

Oh, by the way, I am now off of all medications!!! For the first time in my life, I feel like I can see. I also feel like I have a new-found purpose on this earth. I want to help people that are struggling with this sort of thing. Lucinda's program is the answer! The medications are not! Noone should have to suffer for so long, like I did. The solution is now available to us all. I intend to help Lucinda get this message out to the masses!! For now, I'd just like to get it out to the ones I love, and maybe they can help me get it out to the masses... :-)